From: Commander Naval Forces Marianas Islands

To: _____________________

Subj: Notice of Return to the United States

Issued in solemn warning and in the interest of public safety, this _________ day of 1976, to the family, friends and acquaintances of ____________________

This is the official warning that very soon a certain mosquito-bitten, sunburnt, sexually deprived, and slightly crazed individual will again be in the midst of your acquaintance. Dehydrated, demoralized, and most probably demobilized, hand longing to resume this hard earned right of freedom, justice and happiness – or at least its pursuit.

He has been nested among one of the most crude and uncivilized environments known to man, located in the semi-tropical zone in the Far East, known as GUAM!!! because of the necessity for proper treatment of this person, the following advice is offered:

in making preparations to welcome him back into organized society, you must make allowances for you must realize he has unwillingly absented himself from the life of a civilized human being for the past 15 months.

Do not be alarmed if he seems to be a bit “South Pacific” or infected with all kinds of rare tropical diseases, just a little readjustment time will take care of all of this. Show no alarm if he counts cadence to himself while walking, takes his shoes off prior to entering a house, or prefers squatting on his haunches to sitting on a chair. Be tolerant when he takes his mattress of the bed and sleeps on the floor, and be especially careful when trying to arouse him from an oriental trance ( 1000 foot stare in a 10 foot room).

Keep cool when he pours gravy over desert, or mixes peaches with string beans. Pretend not notice if he eats with his fingers or prefers “C” rations to steak. Be tolerant of his language, if his vocabulary has changed you must understand that Navy grammar is slightly different than that used by people. Even when he answers the phone with “HAFA ADAI” or “HAFA TAT O MANO HOU”, in short, time and proper guidance he can be trained to speak perfect English once again.

Be specially understanding when he stands on the lawn at five a.m. doing his calisthenics. Don’t get upset when he calls your kitchen a “Mess” or starts cleaning the stove with a brick. Don’t be alarmed if he should jump up from the dinner table, run to the trash can, and start scrapping his plate with a toilet brush; after all this has been his standard. Also, if it starts to rain pay no attention if he pulls off his clothes, grabs a bar of soap, and runs outside for a shower.

If he stares at things like chairs, mattresses, fresh milk, and smooth roads, or continually flushes the toilet, just go along with him. He’ll get over it (eventually). Be tolerant if he insists on wearing a pair of battered, low cut sneakers in the bathtub (so the coral won’t cut his feet), or when he prefers a diving mask and snorkel to an umbrella in the rain. Try to avoid using terms like surfs up as this will throw him into a frenzy when he realizes that Talafofo beach is over 5000 miles away.

Take care of him when he crosses the street, for he has become indifferent, impartial and completely oblivious to horns, cars, bicycles, 5 ton trucks, pedestrians, and water buffalo, for all of these are found in a Guamanian village.

For the first few months, be especially careful when in the company of a young lady, as this is liable to throw him into a violent fit after 15 months of not seeing any stateside women (round-eye’s). He is apt to act a little strangely. Disregard the wicked look on his face, and bear in mind that his intentions are strictly honorable. Treat him with kindness, tolerance ana few quarts of beer and you may be able to rehabilitate this “Island Animal” that you once knew and loved. He may even take his place in society again.

Last but certainly not least send no more mail to FPO San Francisco, California 96630. Fill the car with gas, get women and children off the streets, get his civilian clothes from the cleaners, and fill the refrigerator with beer Cause:

“The Kid’s Coming Home!!!!!